Why Am I Still Sick? Mental Illness, Faith, and the Love of God

Rumor has it, I'm going to start preaching again. My brain functions a lot better than it used to. But it still functions slowly. So to give myself plenty of time, I have been looking ahead to the scriptures that are coming up in the lectionary.

[In the Episcopal Church, among others, we preachers don't pick and choose our favorite bits of the Bible. We get confronted by and have to deal with what is assigned.]

That's how I came across Matthew 9:18-26, one of the texts for early June. Jesus is on his way to heal a young girl when a woman with an issue of blood reaches out surreptitiously to touch him. He feels the power go out of him and turns to confront her. Then he says:

Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.

Ah, here it comes -- the faith question of every person with a chronic or fatal illness, every person who prays and has people praying for us.

Don't I have faith? Don't I have enough faith to get my healing?

Many years ago in one of my darkest times, I met a young woman. She was part of a mission group who had come from Mexico to Costa Rica. On behalf of a local church, she and others would be going door to door, sharing their witness.

She asked me what I was doing in Costa Rica. So I told her that I had depression and was writing a book about it.

Without missing a beat, she answered, If you give your life to Jesus, he will heal you, and you won't have depression anymore.

She described her life in her teens, a life of indulgence, as she put it. She was a smoker. But then she gave her life to Jesus and he turned her around. He took away her addiction to cigarettes

Oh, honey.

She and I had met at the church that was sponsoring the mission. The worship service had gone long. I was tired. And I didn't have enough Spanish to get into it with her.

So I didn't tell her that 

  • I fell in love with Jesus when I was eight and was baptized
  • I took Jesus as my Lord and Savior when I was eighteen at college
  • I gave my life to Jesus when I entered seminary at twenty-five
  • I vowed to . . . pattern my life in accordance with the teachings of Christ, so that I may be a wholesome example to my people when I was ordained a priest at twenty-nine
  • I . . . well, you get the idea.

The thing is, I have a brain that works differently, and sometimes not very well. Living a life in Christ has not protected me from the symptoms of bipolar disorder, nor even from feeling suicidal at its worst.

Bipolar disorder has been around for millennia. People had it before the coming of Christ. And people have had it since. Faith in Jesus really has nothing to do with it.

I am glad that Jesus took away her addiction to cigarettes. I am glad that Jesus healed the woman with an issue of blood, that he freed the Gerasene man who had been possessed, that he raised Lazarus from the dead.

But he hasn't healed me. At least, he hasn't taken away my bipolar.

Why not?

No, don't answer that question. I don't want an explanation. I especially don't want God to explain to me how He -- and I use that pronoun on purpose -- how He is using my suffering to some greater end. To help you, I suppose.

I don't want a God who manipulates people who are suffering, moves us around on some chessboard as part of His grand design.

For God's sake, don't tell me to have faith.

What a cruel notion that if you just believe hard enough you will be healed.

The first preaching I will do after an absence of a few years will be for a man who was one of the most faith-filled people I know. He died after waiting for years for a lung transplant, while people around the world prayed for him. As people have prayed for me.

Why am I still sick? I think that's the wrong question to address to God. I think that question posits the existence of the kind of God that we want, a God who will answer our questions and give us certainty and make us feel good.

A God that exists only in our desires and our imaginations.

Whoa! Did the preacher say that God doesn't exist? No, the preacher said that the God that does exist is not small enough to fit inside the box of our desires.

Who is the God who does exist? I am a very smart person. Nevertheless, that question is beyond my bandwidth. I have my own desires about God. But I no longer expect that God will satisfy them.

However, reading all those stories of healings year after year, over forty years of preaching on them, there is something that I have noticed. In almost every one of them, part of the healing is a return to community.

The woman who had had an issue of blood for fifteen years (endometriosis?) would have been unclean on that account. Nobody would have touched her. For fifteen years. Now she could take a neighbor's hand.

The Gerasene man who was possessed (schizophrenia?) lived in chains outside the city of Gerasa. When he was restored to his right mind, Jesus sent him home.

Lazarus -- dead and in the tomb. Jesus returned him to his sisters.

And me with my bipolar -- that is the kind of healing I have experienced. When I was newly disabled and not leaving my second floor condo except to go to the doctor, I joined NAMI -- National Alliance on Mental Illness. I went a Peer to Peer class, where people with mental illness teach other people with mental illness how to navigate our lives.

I discovered people who didn't care whether I had faith or not. They didn't need for me to be healed to confirm their own faith. They expected I wouldn't be. And they loved me. They invited me in. They were my new community.

Romans 8 -- that's what I believe. When I don't believe in God -- I really don't believe in the God who withholds healing based on my puny wounded capacity for faith -- I do believe this:

I am sure that neither death, nor life, [nor feeling suicidal], nor angels, nor principalities, [nor health insurance companies], nor height, nor depth, [nor the personal hell of side effects], nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I am not healed. But I am loved.

That's a kind of healing. And it is enough.


photo by Nevit Dilman, used under the creative commons license.

This is an experiment


Oops. I didn't realize this was published. I'm trying to figure out how to get it into a powerpoint, with the byline - this is NOT what I mean by self care. Silly. But oh well, I'll leave it up for now.

But as long as you're here, check out the labels in the column to the right. Explore some topics of past posts.

World Bipolar Day: What the Heck Happened to my Brain?

Prozac Monologues is a book within a book. Its original form was a series of monologues written in an unrecognized hypomanic state. The rest of the story is what I learned about bipolar disorder after I learned that I have it.

In Balancing Act -- The Science Chapter, I answer the question, How did I get into this mess anyway? I compare it to another question, Why did the roof collapse? Both answers are to be found in a process that begins with something a little wonky and develops into a systemic mess.


The following excerpt skips the charming roof collapse explanation (inspired by true events during one Central Oregon snowmaggedon in 2017). Buy the book for that story! It goes straight to the science part. Let me know in the comments what you think.

A Book Review: Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts

  • I just don't want to live anymore
  • If only I could fall asleep and never wake up
  • One well-placed bullet would solve all my problems
  • You'd be better off if I were dead



Oh my gosh, words you don't want to hear from somebody you love. It is tempting, so very tempting to say something that will get your loved one to take it back.

Anxiety My Old Friend - Will I Let It Kill Me?

Anxiety and stress are not the same thing.

Stress is a physiological experience in the face of a change in the internal or external system. It has its plusses and minuses. A little bit of stress over something you can do something about [I need to make that doctor's appointment] provides motivation to get it done and satisfaction (a nice hit of dopamine) once you do it.

via GIPHY

On the other hand, chronic stress that cannot be resolved [I never knew when he would explode] exhausts every resource the body has to maintain homeostasis/balance. And that's not good.

Anxiety describes the negative thoughts and feelings that accompany stress.

via GIPHY

It's not the only feeling that could accompany stress. When faced with changes like a new job, a challenging ski slope, or a date with the person of your dreams, you might also feel excitement.

via GIPHY

Or maybe not. "Good" change and "bad" change are labels we apply from our own perspective. As far as the body goes, they don't really figure in. The physiological response is the same.

Consider a winding mountain road in a snowstorm. Some people default to excitement. [That would be Colorado-raised me.] Some people default to anxiety. [That would be my California-born wife.] The people who can't help but default to it have an anxiety disorder. These are my people.

Anxiety Defined

Anxiety is the intense, excessive, persistent worry, fear, or dread about everyday situations, present, future, and imagined future. It's a normal enough experience. It becomes a disorder when "intense" tilts over into "excessive" to the point of interfering with daily activities.

Insert side comment here: People who have a mental illness, whether social anxiety disorder, depression, or schizophrenia, are not a different kind of people. Almost every symptom of a mental illness is a "normal" experience - shared by people who do not have a mental illness. These experiences do not need to be diagnosed or treated, until they pile up and become so intrusive that they become unmanageable, until they interfere with daily activities.

The physical manifestations of anxiety include fast heart rate, heavy breathing, sweating, and fatigue. How do we get from a thought to a heart rate? The brain - that's how.

Anxiety in the brain


Anxiety involves an interaction of three different parts of the brain in particular.

It begins when the amygdala senses a threat. The job of the amygdala is to leap into action at the sign of a threat. The amygdala initiates a sequence that releases adrenaline and cortisol to gear the body up to address the threat. As with the body's response to other stress, these hormones cause the faster heart rate and heavy breathing. Blood flow increases to the limbs to prepare it for action, and away from the digestive system - when your life is in danger, lunch can wait.

The prefrontal cortex, the "thinking" part of the brain, provides information and interpretation that mitigate or support the threat. [That's a garter snake, not a rattler. It's harmless.]

The anterior cingulate cortex sorts through the sense of threat and the additional information to find patterns and determine whether the current situation is a big deal or not. It tells the amygdala whether to calm down or GET MORE EXCITED!

The difference between anxiety and anxiety disorder

When there is a threat, the amygdala goes into action. When the threat goes away, what is supposed to happen is that the amygdala and all its downstream partners stand down. The body returns to its pre-threat state.

When the threat is chronic or, even worse, unpredictable, then these systems do not stand down. They just keep pumping out that cortisol.

In the brain, the amygdala increases in size.

Under constant assault from cortisol, the hippocampus (memory and emotion) and prefrontal cortex shrink. The hippocampus gets stuck on negative memories and emotions. [I call this the little time machine inside my brain. It plays the worst of my past on an unending loop.]

The connection between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex that could moderate the fear goes down.

In other words, the brain changes. It changes in a way that reinforces the the problematic pattern, raising the risk for depression and dementia. Yuk!

Everybody gets anxious is not a helpful thing to say to a person with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Social Anxiety Disorder. These are real things. They have tipped past the experiences of everybody. And a warm bath or deep breathing do not fix them.

Healing the problematic pattern may take many forms: distancing from the chronic stressors, medication, a variety of modalities in psychotherapy, even therapy dogs.

At ProzacMonologues.com I like to focus on what is happening inside the brain, to help me remember that my issues are not mere thoughts. They are experienced in my body. Here's an article with much more detail about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nerve systems and how they function.

A physical therapist friend, encouraging me to take a leave of absence to deal with my tattered brain, once told me, It's just like a broken bone. It takes time to heal.

I do wish it healed as easily as that broken foot is healing. But these issues do respond to treatment. If your anxiety interferes with your life, you don't have to suffer alone!


photo by author
Red Green Show meme from imgur on Pinterest

Is Stress Good or Will My Brain Explode?

What if I told you that stress is not a bad thing?

What if I even told you that stress is good?

Okay, you have to understand what I'm talkin' about. Modern lives are so driven by stress that we're all walking around like ticking time bombs. Except for those meditators out there. (But are they even for real?)

via GIPHY

It turns out that a little bit of stress is just the ticket to feel good and accomplish a lot of good things.

I'm talking about challenge. I'm talking about excitement. Yes, I'm even talking about...


Deadlines

Tips for Successfully Managing Your Stress and Anxiety

Anxiety and stress are simply parts of life for most people, especially when we try to juggle multiple responsibilities. However, if your stress and anxiety attacks have begun to impact your ability to function in everyday life, then you need to seek out ways to manage these emotions. ProzacMonologues.com explains the importance of finding strategies that help you to manage your anxiety both at the moment it occurs and long-term.

Guest blogger Julia Mitchell, lifestyle expert at outspiration.net contributes this piece about tips to manage stress and anxiety. I (Willa) have added a few links to previously posted pieces from ProzacMonologues.

Develop Skills to Proactively Manage Stress

Raising children, earning a living, maintaining family harmony and wellness, and pursuing your passions can all be stressful. While each of these things may contribute to creating the life you want, they can also undermine your overall well-being, if they cause you too much stress. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America notes that you can equip yourself to manage stress and prevent anxiety attacks by building healthy habits with sleep, exercise, food, work, play, attitude, and self-fulfillment.

You can also pick up a new hobby like gardening, which has been shown to help mitigate stress. Not only do you have the opportunity to get your hands dirty while watching what you've planted grow into healthy edibles, you'll be getting much-needed Vitamin D as you spend extra time outside. For expert advice and pointers, go online and visit Home Garden Hero.

Identify and Manage Your Triggers


It's a good idea to identify the situations that trigger your anxiety so you can take constructive steps when you encounter those things or avoid them. Triggers are external events, large or small, that prompt your body and mind to respond in a seemingly irrational way. The response is generally flight, fight, fawn, or freeze. As Be Calm with Tati explains, you have to learn your triggers in order to disrupt this cycle. Then you need to implement some deep breathing exercises so you can calm down and focus on what happened and why.

This Prozac Monologues post, Tips for Surviving the Holidays, was originally written for the specific event of an extended family gathering. But its suggestions for managing triggers can be applied in a variety of contexts.


Create a Low-Stress Work Environment


There are things you can do to make your workspace less stress-inducing, particularly if you work from a home office. Reduce clutter by putting items in designated bins labeled "to do," "to read," and "to file." Make sure the lighting is adequate and easy on your eyes. Use a planning system that works for you, whether paper or electronic. Evaluate your office desk and chair for ergonomic comfort. It's well worth making the investment in a good office chair that places you at the proper height to use your computer easily.

You can also manage work-related anxiety in other ways. If your current job is what's making you anxious, consider a new position or different career path. Just remember that before seeking new opportunities, creating an updated resume by utilizing a type of free resume maker is a good idea. You can use a free online resume template to customize with your own copy, profile photos, and color scheme.

Dealing with Anxiety in the Moment


When you're in the grip of anxiety or a full-blown panic attack, it can be difficult to know how best to handle the situation, which is why it is best to develop strategies ahead of time. Do some deep, abdominal breathing. Focusing on your breath can have a calming effect. As you inhale, allow your abdomen to expand, and then try to make the exhale slightly longer and allow your abdomen to relax. The University of Texas MD Anderson Cancer Center suggests using guided imagery to fill your mind with thoughts, images, sounds, and smells of positive experiences.

You can also go for a walk, do yoga or tai chi, or engage in vigorous exercise, such as dancing or running. Take a moment to question any catastrophic thoughts that are running through your mind. As the saying goes, "Don't believe everything you think."

Here is a Prozac Monologues post, Recovery in Progress, that walks the reader through my own experience of an anxiety attack at a NAMI conventions, and the tools I (Willa) used to manage the incident.


Find Long-Term Stress Management Strategies


If you're prone to anxiety attacks, then it's important to have a long-term plan for managing the stress of daily life. Establishing an ongoing practice of meditation and/or a slow deliberate movement, such as tai chi, qi gong, or yoga can be helpful. If your anxiety has resulted in sleep disturbances, irritability, difficulty focusing, or ongoing muscle tension that last for more than a month or so, it's time to seek professional help.

Journaling and cultivating your sense of humor may also be helpful. Evaluate your responsibilities and consider whether you can realistically fulfill them; you may find that you need to delegate some tasks. Develop the habit of taking breaks from stressful activities. Make sure to spend some time outdoors whether hiking, running, walking, or simply enjoying a park bench in the sunshine.

In this post, Frazzled Cafe and Ruby Wax, the comedian, with master's degrees in psychotherapy and mindfulness-based therapy, describes how these activities can be used to channel the brain's functioning to relieve stress.


Find and Implement Your Anxiety Solutions


Anxiety can be present at any phase of life, whether you're a parent, student, worker, or retiree. It's important to develop constructive ways to manage stress so that you can live your life and meet your responsibilities. There are many methods of managing and prreventing anxiety, ranging from exercise to finding a less stressful job to journaling and to professional therapy. Figure out what works best for you and build some healthy habits that will be useful in both preventing and managing anxiety when it occurs.

If you are dealing with stress, anxiety, or other mental health disorders, join Willa Goodfellow on her journey to research and process these issues in her own world through ProzacMonologues.com.

Note: Many thanks to Julia Mitchell for this, my first foray into guest contributors. You may have noticed the different voice. Less... loony? Julia is a lifestyle writer, not quite my wheelhouse. But there is a lot of interest in mental health lately that is not about mental illness. Those two terms do get used interchangeably. Julia inspires me to continue the conversation with another post about how stress and anxiety differ and what the brain has to do with it. See ya next week.

photo courtesy of Pexels
clipart by Microsoft online
photo of toolbox by Eric Strandberg and used under the Creative commons license
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