In the Bleak Midwinter

For Prozac Monologues readers whatever your state this holiday.



In the bleak mid-winter frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
In the bleak mid-winter long ago.


Bohemian Chanukah

A great miracle happened there.

 

Happy Hanukkah to all Prozac Monologues readers.
Let the light shine!

Holiday Shopping for True Happiness

Last minute holiday shopping -- I shop later and later every year. I even blog about it later each year. This year I have to do three  blogs in the week to get my shopping guides for the perfect Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Christmas present done. Here is the link for if you are mentally interesting and shopping for the normal in your life, here is if you are shopping for your diagnosed friend.  The second is even diagnosis specific. The most popular pick turns out to be a bluetooth phone for the one who talks back to his/her voices, but is trying to pass. Who knew.

But less than a week, people. Internet.  God bless the internet.

Another year I wrote a post on happiness. This post's holiday shopping picks (a updated rerun from 2011) gets to the heart of it -- where to get what makes for true happiness on the internet.  No, really!

Holiday Shopping - The Mentally Interesting Version

From December, 2009:

A friend once described what it was like to have cancer. Like having a paper bag over your head, you can't see anything outside the bag. It's all about you and your cancer.

Mental illness can be like that. Try it yourself. Put a bag over your head. Make sure it's not plastic! Do you even notice a difference? Our issues can be all consuming, our fears, doubts, grief, hysteria, voices... We lose track of the world outside our paper bag.

But outside that bag are friends, family, allies. There are more of them, and they are truer to us than we can imagine when we are inside that paper bag. The bag, our absorption in our own concerns, makes certain life skills difficult.


Like holiday shopping.

Holiday Shopping for Your Diagnosed Someone

Black Friday, the traditional start of the Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa shopping season has left us in the dust. Are you still wondering what to get for your neuro-diverse friend or relation? Here is Prozac Monologues' attempt ever to be helpful to my dear readers.  As my therapist said, Virgo -- your destiny is service.  Get used to it.  (I once had a therapist who said stuff like that.) The following is a holiday shopping list to guide neuro-typicals who want to please their loved ones.

This is a repost from ten years ago. So the pricetags have probably changed. But the links have been checked.

Crazy Meds can be your one stop shopping for Straight Jacket T-shirts, when you're crazy enough to let your medication do the talking, with a range of messages for any diagnosis, medication or level of in your face. The lettering is made by arranging real medication capsules for that homemade, from the heart touch. If you are shopping for me, medium size, long-sleeved, and black, of course.  My favorite message: Bat Shit Crazy.  In three years nobody ever took the hint, so I finally bought it myself.  If you are shopping for me, today I'll go with Mentally Interesting.  I'm still into black, and still refusing antipsychotics, so still a medium.

The following gift suggestions are targeted to differential diagnoses.

People With Schizophrenia Who Recover

Among the top five factors that limit recovery for people with mental illness:

The false belief that it's all about the medication.

Medication indeed is part of mental illness recovery. It's a bigger part for some mental health issues (like schizophrenia) than others. And its effectiveness varies from drug class to drug class.

I created a bit of a twitter storm when somebody tweeted: Please quote this tweet with a thing that everyone in your field knows and nobody in your industry talks about because it would lead to general chaos.

To which I responded: Antipsychotics cause loss of brain matter.

 Last week's post described the research study that demonstrated that claim. The study was led by Nancy C. Andreasen, MD of the University of Iowa Carver College of Medicine. One should not reject antipsychotics on the basis of the study. They do what they are supposed to do. They reduce the positive symptoms (like, psychosis) that cause so much suffering. Payoffs and price tags. But they don't do the whole healing.

I continue this week with a broader picture, the what else of recovery in schizophrenia. This post was first published in 2013 with the title:

Fabulous People with Schizophrenia

Antipsychotics and Loss of Brain Matter

What are antipsychotics doing in your brain besides preventing psychosis? This is a report on a study conducted from 1991 to 2009 that looked at that question.

Here is the context:

Progressive brain volume changes in schizophrenia are thought to be due principally to the disease. However, recent animal studies indicate that antipsychotics... may also contribute to brain tissue volume decrement. Because antipsychotics are prescribed for long periods for schizophrenia patients and have increasingly widespread use in other psychiatric disorders, it is imperative to determine their long-term effects on the human brain.

Before I get to what the study revealed, here is the investigator, National Medalist of Science winner, Nancy Andreasen.



Giving thanks for Jerod Poore

Jerod Poore is the walking, talking, tweeting, posting wikipedia of all meds psychiatric and neurological. His manifesto: At Crazymeds [his original website] we make psychiatric and neurological conditions (AKA brain cooties) our bitches with evidence-based medicine and a healthy dose of gallows humor.

When I caught brain cooties fourteen years ago, Jerod was the first person I found who gave me genuine information. When the docs turned my brain into a chemistry experiment, Jerod told me what was happening to it.


That's the sketch I drew of my brain on drugs. Not the drugs they warn you about, but the drugs they scold you for refusing to take. Prozac, Celexa, Remeron, Cymbalta, Effexor.

Giving Thanks for Ellen Frank

If you can manage one, just one self-care exercise for bipolar, make it a regular sleep schedule. This week I am thankful I found Ellen Frank and IPSRT, Interpersonal Social Rhythms Therapy.

IPSRT in a nutshell: people with bipolar have a wonky internal clock. The hormones that regulate everything from when we are alert to when we are hungry to when we are cold are governed by an internal clock. When that clock sproings a spring, so do we. Bipolar is like jet lag on a daily basis.

There are a number of events that set and reset the clock throughout the day. If you have a wonky clock, you can reduce the damage it does by making sure these events happen the same time every day. That is the Social Rhythms part. The Interpersonal part is plain old therapy, focussing on whatever issues prevent you from protecting your clock.

Keeping this clock set correctly is the single most effective strategy for maintaining good sleep patterns. And sleep patterns are almost the whole show. Disruptions cause cascading effects: increased inflammation, cognitive difficulties, irritability, emotional lability, depression, hypomania, mania, all three, weight gain... Somebody has probably written the book. I will write the testimonial, that when my sleep is in order, so am I. Ellen Frank focussed my attention on that #1 strategy. When the meds didn't work, she saved my butt.

Several years ago, I wrote the more detailed version of IPSRT in a review of Frank's Treating Bipolar Disorder, three posts to explain the theory and one summary review. So here it is reposted, with links to the earlier posts within it. 

Treating Bipolar Disorder Part IV -- Summing Up
May 4, 2011

Intending to review Ellen Frank's Treating Bipolar Disorder,  I spent most of April describing the treatment itself, Interpersonal Social Rhythms Therapy, IPSRT.

Part I laid the foundation in work done on the relationship between circadian rhythms (our interior physiological clocks) and mood disorders.

Part II outlined Frank's Social Zeitgeber Theory and the treatment that proceeds logically from it, a process of establishing regular daily rhythms that set our interior clocks and keep them running on time.  (Zeitgeber means timekeeper.)

Part III explained how work on interpersonal issues helps people reduce stressors and prevent disruptions to their social rhythms.

This last post will pull together my appreciation, my reservations and my hopes for future directions.

Social Zeitgeber Theory

Frank builds IPSRT on the theory that people with bipolar are more vulnerable than others to disruptions in our circadian rhythms.  When our interior clocks get screwed up, we do, too.  Daily events, like getting up at a certain time, seeing people, going to work, set our circadian rhythms.  The core of the therapy is to help keep our rhythms regular.

The best brilliant part of Treating Bipolar Disorder is this theory.

A good theory accounts for as much of the data as possible, and then provides a way to solve problems.

The old theory is bipolar is a chemical imbalance in the brain.  The advantages of the old theory is that it is simple, it suggests a way to solve the problem, and it is earning the pharmaceutical companies billions and billions of dollars.  The disadvantages are that decades after it was first offered, it has offered false hope and subsequent despair to millions of sufferers, focused blame on those who won't take the drugs that make them sick and/or don't work, and for a majority of people who receive the best pharmacotherapy possible, simply failed to fix the problem.  It also neglects a lot of data.

The chemical imbalance theory comes from the data of clinical experiments -- that symptoms go away when you change the chemical stew.  Or at least, they go away enough to get FDA approval for marketing claims.  It does explain a piece of the puzzle.

But another set of data has to do with what was going on before the symptoms developed.  Frank and company turn to circadian rhythms to account for how the chemical imbalance developed.  And here there is a wealth of data.  For example, study of circadian rhythms reveals that lack of sleep causes depression as often as it is caused by depression.  This suggests a whole other way to solve problems.

Treating Bipolar Disorder documents this evidence in support of the theory.  Most of the book then describes the therapy that derives from the theory.

People With Bipolar Who Are Doing Well

The Social Zeitgeber Theory accounts for the data of those with bipolar disorder who are managing their symptoms, working, thriving over the long haul.  There are almost no studies done from this angle -- what people are doing to stay well.  John McManamy reports on two of these studies at mcmanweb.com.  Healthy lifestyle is the top strategy for these people, particularly maintaining good sleep.  Most, 85% take medication, but do not make medication the center of their self-care.  None rely entirely on medication to stay healthy.

Medication, Medication, Medication

My chief reservation about the book has to do with its assumptions about medication.

Let me put it this way.  It is a bold move to list the uses of specific medications in a hard copy printed published book.  Chances are that such a book will report positively on a medication for which the manufacturer then settles a class action suit in the same year as publication.  Zyprexa/olazapine is just one example of how quickly the chapter's information became debatable and/or dated.

Frank assumes that IPSRT is an add-on to pharmacotherapy.  She notes that lithium, the miracle drug that was supposed to have solved the problem of bipolar has turned out not to have done so in near as many cases as people think.  She acknowledges that there are problems with side effects and efficacy for anything that is currently in use.  But just barely.

Unfortunately, it is only a minority of patients with bipolar disorder who can comfortably take the medications that seem to control the symptoms of the illness and who are willing to submit to this control.  Especially early in the course of the illness, before it has wrought complete havoc in the patient's life, there is denial that there is anything permanently wrong and a longing for the highs that the medications take away.

Yup.  There it is.  Ellen Frank, too.  They miss their highs.  I won't go there right now.  It's just too tiresome.  But stay tuned...

Frank continues the clinicians' tradition of oversell.  She considers whether a clinician should refuse to work with a person who has bipolar I and does not take medication.  Her recommendation is that the work might proceed anyway, with the goal of revisiting the issue at every opportunity until the patient finally does take meds,and holding open the possibility that treatment may be terminated if the clinician concludes that he/she cannot accept responsibility for somebody who is not on meds.

Okay, on a positive note, Frank pays more attention to side effects than other clinicians, repeatedly urging that the therapist and prescribing clinician work in partnership, and that medication problems be addressed.

On a very positive note, Frank spends a lot of ink on the issue that people with bipolar I or II spend way more time depressed than manic and hypomanic.  And our depressions are far and away the part of the illness that disables us.

Can We Ever Crack This Medication Nut?

This medication debate never seems to get anywhere.  Like abortion or the Palestinian issue in US politics, nuance is not allowed.  You're either pro-med or anti-psychiatry.  And I can feel myself drawn into the blogosphere's quicksand.  So let me do the down and dirty on Frank's position and get out of here.

Frank's assumption that everybody who has bipolar I and not on meds is a trainwreck waiting to happen -- maybe that is a necessary evil to maintain her professional credibility; maybe more of the usual professional wishful thinking: I call it disappointing.


Frank's repetition of the old they miss their highs thing: I call it tiresome.



Frank's concern to take side effects seriously and her criticism of the standard practice of medicating people with bipolar into a permanent state of mild depression, treating anything approaching a normal feel-good state as a danger sign of impending mania: I call that refreshing. 

Clinical Language Alert

I have spent the last several years reading books and articles written not for me, but about me.  It is a perilous business.  Prozac Monologue readers occasionally are on the receiving end of my efforts to manage the consequences of this endeavor.  It is getting less perilous, as I learn some skills, the first of which is simply to acknowledge the intended audience.  So...

Treating Bipolar Disorder is written for clinicians and about people with bipolar.  I am not a clinician; I am a person with bipolar.  Therefore, Treating Bipolar Disorder is not for me; it is about me.

If you are like me, you need to take this into account when reading this book.

Having said that, this book is less perilous than others.

Yes, there are a couple bumps in the road: the bipolar temperament, the attitude of entitlement and they miss their highs.  For the record, Frank never uses those exact words.  Her exact words are above.

On the other hand, this book is exceptional in its tone of respect and genuine partnership between clinician and patient.  Absolutely exceptional.  Props to Ellen Frank.

The Future Of IPSRT

Like I said, this book was written for clinicians, who are addressed directly.  It was not written for people who have bipolar disorder, nor for a general audience.  There is no book, no pamphlet, no article, no website, no youtube that describes IPSRT for a general audience.  Prozac Monologues is as close as you get.  Not enough for a do-it-yourself-er.  But a start.

At this point, getting access to this therapy would be a trick.  If you use one of those Find a Therapist websites and actually do find one in your area whose interests include bipolar, you are still likely to get the response I got, The way to treat bipolar is with medication.

Frank and company keep track of those they have trained.  She says maybe she should develop a website.  A lot of people think maybe they should develop a website.  Most of them have many other things to do.  I wouldn't hold my breath.  I would write her directly and ask.  And then come up with a do-it-yourself strategy.  I have one outlined below.

Frank has the support of NIMH's STEP-BD study giving IPSRT the magic label of evidence-based.  So she has a therapy, a book, a training.  And 5,700,000 people who could benefit from this treatment.  She needs to develop the market for her training the same way pharmaceutical companies develop their markets -- go directly to us 5,700,000 people with bipolar.

There's a whole world of people out here who get our mental health care from Facebook friends and [Name Your Diagnosis and/or Treatment] for Dummies.  We need an IPSRT for Dummies.  We need a workbook.  Once we get started, we'll ask for help, and our care providers might get interested.

Here is my story: The meds don't work.  I have been stalled in Cognitive Therapy for some co-morbid trauma issues.  I don't have the capacity to interview a bunch of therapists who might deal with my bipolar, even if I could find them.  I lose my voice when I talk with therapists -- back to those trauma issues.  So I went back to my CBT therapist.  We are renegotiating to do more interpersonal work and I am experimenting on my own SRT/Mood Chart.  I will do the SRT part on my own.  My therapist and I can talk about my grief for the formerly healthy self.

You have to really have it together to do therapy this way.  I am not starting from a position of crisis.  I have good insurance and a lot of resources.  My wife tells me, if I have lost half of my cognitive functioning, that still makes me smarter than 80% of the people in the room.

So this might work for me and maybe another 100,000 high functioners out there.  5,600,000 more to go.

On July 14, 1990 Ellen Frank knew with absolute certainty that [she] needed to dedicate the next decade of [her] life to doing better by these patients and family members.  It was a decade well spent.  And then another.  I hope she keeps going into the third.

Last Words

If you are a person living with bipolar disorder, cut the author a break for the inevitable mental health provider mentality.  The medication issue is a minor, minor piece of an otherwise helpful, hopeful book.

Treating Bipolar Disorder offers hope.  Read it.  Talk to your therapist about it.  Get yourself a schedule that includes enough sleep at a regular time each day.  Talk with your therapist about whatever keeps you from doing that.

If you are a therapist, read this book.  Give its techniques a try.  If they help somebody, don't you need some CEU's?

If you are a doctor, read this book.  Stop promising more from meds than meds can deliver.  There is more help out there for your patients.  Help us find it.

If you are Ellen Frank, get this stuff out to those of us who can't find or afford a therapist whom you have trained.  And God bless you.

photo of clockworks by HNH and used under the Creative CommonsAttribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license
flair from facebook
caution sign by RTCNCA and used under the GNU Free Documentation License,

Giving Thanks for John Moe

Is depression funny?

John Moe begins every broadcast of The Hilarious World of Depression with that question. Then he and the comedian/musician/celebrity of the week talk.


My therapist told me about Hilarious World. I was preparing to do a seminar, OK2Talk about Mental Illness, eight hours total, five segments.  The third would be on humor. It is, after all, part of the Prozac Monologues brand.

Giving Thanks for John McManamy

John McManamy was my introduction to the concept of expert patient, a mental illness educator with lived experience and serious chops, research-wise.

Our relationship began not long after Prozac Monologues, the blog began in 2009, with a skunk. How on earth did I find his tale of too-close-but-thankfully-not-the-worst-sort-of-too-close encounter with a skunk? Probably I googled amygdala. That tells who John is right there. You want to know about amygdala? John will tell you a story about a skunk.

Spiritual Practices for the Dark Night - Giving Thanks. Again.

This post transitions from a month dedicated to PsychiatricTimes.com  to a month dedicated to gratitude. In short, I am grateful for Psychiatric Times. When I needed to figure out what the hell happened to my brain and how do I fix it, this online magazine for psychiatrists and other mental health professionals began my slow, steady self-education with its research reports, book reviews, philosophical discussions and occasional rants.

Mmm, sort of like Prozac Monologues: information, provocation, entertainment, and an occasional rant. That's how Google describes this blog. What do you think?

In the month of November, I will write posts about other resources and people for whom I am grateful. Today I repeat a post from ten years ago, part of a series on Spiritual Practices for the Dark Night. Those were dark nights, indeed, for me. These days, I think they are dark nights for everybody. But I digress...

The Brain Science of Caffeine

It's Pumpkin Spice Latte Season -- what better time to pour a cup of Caffeine: Neurological and Psychiatric Implications? It's the next up in my PsychiatricTimes.com Appreciation Month.

Sergi Ferré, MD, PhD offers this continuing education course for doctors and other health care providers. The goal of this activity is to provide an understanding of the mechanisms involved in the innervating effects of caffeine and the impact that caffeine may have on psychiatric disorders.

So settle in to learn about your favorite beverage.

Disclaimer: Though I have read the thing many times and looked up many big words, I cannot honestly say that I have satisfied all of the learning goals. Specifically, I cannot:
  • Explain the adenosine-dependent modulation of striatal dopamine and glutamate neurotransmission
nor
  • Describe the adenosine-dependent modulation of glutamate neurotransmission in the amygdala.
Good thing I don't need the grade.

Nevertheless, I gleaned a few fun facts which I will share with you.

Caffeine is the most commonly consumed psychotropic drug in the world, used primarily for its psychostimulant properties on the central nervous system. Yes, I think we already knew that, but it's nice to begin with a softball.

Trading Symptom Relief for Side Effect Relief

Why do people stop taking their psych medication?


Psychiatrists spend a lot of time on this question. They used to call it noncompliance. Then they figured out that the word fed the power struggle between doctor and patient. Now they call it nonadherence. Me, I am not convinced that the word change reflects an attitude shift on doctors' parts, i.e., that they have changed their attitudes toward noncompliant patients, have abandoned the power struggle themselves, and instead want to partner with their patients. I suspect the word change is a cosmetic shift designed to change the patient's attitude.

Psychiatric Times regularly publishes articles on why patients don't take their meds and best practices for improving adherence. Suboptimal adherence is pervasive among individuals with chronic health conditions, including psychiatric disorders... However, many mental health practitioners ascribe nonadherence to the mental illness itself.

Physician-Assisted Suicide for Mental Illness - It's Complicated, or Not

Two years ago, Mark Komrad attended and presented at a symposium in Belgium on physician-assisted suicide for people with mental illness. Komrad is a clinical psychiatrist, ethicist, and faculty member at Johns Hopkins. He just finished a 6-year tenure on the APA Ethics Committee and helped craft the current APA position on Medical Euthanasia for non-terminally ill patients. [That position joins the AMA to say, in a word, Don't.]

Komrad reported back on his experiences to PsychiatricTimes.com. You can read or listen to the his entire report here. This post quotes the parts that particularly struck me from a suicide prevention perspective.

In 2002 Belgium legalized euthanasia by physician (typically by injection) at the request of patients, and removed any distinctions between terminal vs. nonterminal illness, and physical vs. psychological suffering. As long as the condition is deemed "untreatable" and "insufferable," a psychiatric patient can be potentially eligible for euthanasia. There is a consultative process that basically needs a minimum of two doctors to agree about the patient's eligibility. Also, the patient gets to weigh-in on whether their condition is "treatable." Since the patient has the option to refuse treatments, this refusal may create an "untreatable" situation.

Got Bipolar 2? Chris Aiken Can Help

If you want to know best practices for treating bipolar, "bipolar not so much," recurrent depression, "more than depression," "something-about-this-depression-treatment-just-isn't-working," read  Chris Aiken.

When I needed a subtitle for my book, I tried really hard to sell my publisher on What if it's more than depression? - a subtle reference to Bipolar Not So Much by Aiken and Jim Phelps, who is another of my mental health go-to resources. I flatter myself that Prozac Monologues is the companion piece, written from the other side of the prescription pad. The publisher had something else in mind, but if you find one book useful, you will like the other.

When my new nurse practitioner talked me into a chart review by the cookie cutter psychiatrist employed by the practice, the recommendation came back, Abilify and Zoloft. I said, No thanks, and sent her an article by Aiken. I hope it helps my NP get over her Free-Range Bipolar on Aisle 2 (i.e., non-medicated) panic before my next appointment. Aiken reports that Social Rhythms Therapy (my lifeline for years) can be as effective as medication, without the sedating effects that would have ended my writing career. Not to mention most other reasons to get up in the morning. Or even capacity to get up in the morning.

Preventing Suicide Among Gun Owners

Can we reconcile a most basic suicide prevention strategy, means restriction with the 2nd Amendment? Gun owners and public health people have to find a way to talk about this. In Oregon, the conversation has begun.

Gun owners in rural have a sense of responsibility and honor. It's a thing. Part of that responsibility is to protect one's family, one's livestock, and oneself. So let us begin by acknowledging that some gun owners, the ones who live in rural areas where suicide rates are growing the fastest, need guns for protection. But they have to do the protecting themselves. The government, on account of distance and distrust, cannot do the job. And then let us acknowledge that one of the things they need to protect their families (and maybe themselves) from is suicide.


Compare states to states.  Compare regions to regions.  Compare states within regions to other states within the same region.  Compare people of the same age group, in any age group, men to men and women to women.  Compare unemployed people to unemployed people, working folk to working folk.  Compare city dwellers to city dwellers, country folk to country folk.

Compare people with depression to other people with depression; people who are suicidal to other people who are suicidal; people who have a plan to other people who have a plan; people who have a past suicidal attempt to other people who have a past suicidal attempt, for God's sake!

More Guns = More Suicides.

Get it? Rural areas have more suicides largely because they have more guns.

Warning Signs and Suicide Hot Lines Won't Fix This

A psychiatrist remembered his first days on his ER rotation. He dealt with a woman who had tried to kill herself. She was homeless, had been taking meth so she wouldn't sleep ever since she had been raped on the street. The supervisor asked what the young doc intended to do. "Prescribe antidepressants?"

They both knew how stupid that sounded.

In the 80s and 90s, they thought they had this suicide thing figured out. As the number of prescriptions for Prozac rose, the suicide rate was falling. It was widely claimed by people who flunked logic that this was epidemiological evidence that Prozac prevented suicide. Just get more people into treatment. This kind of error is common enough to have its own name: post hoc ergo propter hoc. Or maybe there was some economic incentive behind that sloppy thinking...

Passive Suicidal Ideation and Suicide Prevention Awareness Month

Anna Borges speaks truth about suicidal ideation. In the midst of Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, with its lists of warning signs and gearing us up for the crisis, Anna brings to light the sometimes everyday-ness of suicidal ideation.

I am not always very attached to being alive, she wrote in at article for The Outline, an online magazine. It's not about being in crisis, not about having a "plan," not about needing an intervention. It's more like an indifference to life that sometimes surges into something more serious and then falls back. Like the waves of an ocean.



At 27, I’ve settled into a comfortable coexistence with my suicidality. We’ve made peace, or at least a temporary accord negotiated by therapy and medication. It’s still hard sometimes, but not as hard as you might think. What makes it harder is being unable to talk about it freely: the weightiness of the confession, the impossibility of explaining that it both is and isn’t as serious as it sounds. I don’t always want to be alive. Yes, I mean it. No, you shouldn’t be afraid for me. No, I’m not in danger of killing myself right now. Yes, I really mean it.

The Blues Aren’t Blue For Me - For Suicide Prevention Awareness Month


For Suicide Prevention Awareness Month, guest Margalea Warner tells a story of healing after an attempt and what happened #AfterIDidntKillMyself.
************************

When I emerged from the gray cloud of near death, the color I woke to was blue. It was an artificial blue, kin to a chlorinated pool water or blue Jell-o or Smurfs. It was a long tube with ridges that seemed to be coming from my face. I couldn't use my mind well enough to know it was a respirator tube. I stared at this blue with bewildered wonder. 

I did not remember what caused the gray. I did not remember walking away from my job at ten in the morning without asking for time off. I did not remember going through my closet and throwing all my clothing in the dumpster until I had very little left to wear.

From deep inside my mind I did remember a room of flickering shadows where I was on trial for witchcraft or for being a bad daughter. I remembered the voices saying that I must be executed. I had to be my own executioner. I remember narrator voice saying, “The prisoner is walking into Reliable Drug.  She is walking through Health and Beauty. She is walking through First Aid.  She is picking up a bottle of rubbing alcohol.  She needs the Reliable Drug brand. It will be a reliable drug. She needs it now. No time to think about it.”


But what happened next? I couldn’t remember if I obeyed the voices. I wish I could remember if I challenged their distorted thinking. All this forgetting makes perfect sense when you consider the gray that followed it. Fortunately or unfortunately, my mind’s computer made a back up copy in the cloud and replayed it over and over years later.


Flip the Script on Suicide Prevention Week

National Suicide Prevention Week starts next week (September 8-14) and I am trying to gear up for it. I can’t remember which I am supposed to watch for, the risk factors or the warning signs. I guess somebody will tell me again.

Not to be snarky – I do appreciate this annual effort to get people to pay attention. You’d think so, given my personal stake in preventing suicide, as in, my own. But I have to confess, these campaigns leave me feeling a bit disconnected from myself. How ironic is that?

I figured it out. The problem is that I pay any attention at all to suicide prevention campaigns. But they are not addressed to me. They are addressed to professionals, friends, and loved ones. They are about me and others who are at risk.

But here’s the thing. Professionals, friends, and loved ones are bit players in the suicide prevention business. The ones who do the heavy lifting are the ones in danger ourselves. So we read the literature, always looking for another trick to try, only to discover that we are eavesdropping on somebody else’s conversation.

Honestly, we don’t need to know the warning signs. Honestly, when we are in late stages of planning, we read those lists to make sure we don’t slip up and give the game away.

The Heavy Lifters for Suicide Prevention

Bipolar, Not So Much - A Review

Recurrent depression, treatment-resistant depression, depression with mixed features, cyclothymic disorder -- if your file at the doctor's office is coded for any of these, my heart goes out to you. Chances are you have taken a number of turns around the antidepressant not-so-merry-go-round. I call it "The Chemistry Experiment," and you are the test tube.


Chris Aiken and James Phelps have written the book for you. Bipolar, Not So Much: Understanding Your Mood Swings and Depression introduces the reader to the Bipolar Spectrum. No, they are not talking about the movie version of bipolar, throwing furniture out the window, driving the car into the river... They mean the vast ground between that and your basic depression. They mean depression - with something more.

The authors use a conversational style, speaking directly to the reader and skipping the jargon. They begin by explaining the spectrum. They don't ask the question the way the DSM frames it, Does this person have bipolar? Rather, their question is, How much bipolar does this person have?

Like this:



You won't find the spectrum in the DSM, the manual of diagnoses. The DSM’s symptom silos are designed to put you in one slot or another. The silos came into existence in the 1960s. The spectrum approach is much preferred by the acknowledged experts in bipolar, starting with Goodwin and Jamison who also prefer the name manic depression. But in the recent revision,there was huge resistance to making the change back to the earlier understanding of the disorder. Symptom lists with their precise cut off points seem so tidy and are easier to code. So they remain in the DSM-5, and people like Aiken and Phelps write books to try to inform people who don't know anything more about bipolar than the damn lists. But I digress...

Aiken and Phelps take the approach that you will get the best recovery if you know what is actually going on. So first they thoroughly ground the reader in the spectrum concept, and include the diagnostic and predictive instruments that all the docs can access, but usually don't take the time to use. Damn, I am digressing again...

Next they spend a lot of time on lifestyle changes and other nonpharmocological treatment measures. The thing is, the meds were all developed and work best for the folk on the far ends of that spectrum. Which you already know if you are somewhere in the middle, because they don’t work so well for you, which is how you became a Chemistry Experiment. 

Actually, even if you are clearly unipolar or clearly bipolar 1, Aiken and Phelps have good advice for you regarding sleep, diet, exercise, supplements, and the rest. You’re just going to do better if you don’t ask the meds to do all the work. Mood disorders are more complicated than that mythological chemical imbalance. 

The book's third section is a thorough listing and discussion of all the meds. They have their favorites which may be different from your doctor’s, because they don’t talk to drug reps nor read the ads. They read (and do) the research. Are you getting the sense that I have an agenda here?

Bipolar, Not So Much is the essential resource for for anybody who has depression and maybe something more. It is backed up by Phelp's excellent website PsychEducation.org. It is a humane book by humane doctors who listen and learn from their patients. What a concept, huh? Their dedication page tells the tale:


To our patients. You showed us what life is like in the mood spectrum, and we hope we got it right, or at least close, in this book.

flair from Facebook.com
book cover from Amazon.com
bipolar spectrum graphic from PsychEducation.com.

The Five Stages of Climate Change - Another View

God just tweeted this.

How did I overlook #5 for last week's post?

·
THE FIVE STAGES OF CLIMATE CHANGE 1. Denial 2. Guilt 3. Depression 4. Acceptance 5. Drowning

Stages of Grief and Climate Change

In 1969 Elizabeth Kubler Ross published On Death and Dying. It described the grief process of dying patients and how family and medical personnel could help them toward a good death.

You probably know what came to be called the stages: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance. They were never intended to describe a straight line process, more like a series of way stations to be visited on the way. They came from her work with people who were dying, and were part of the foundation of the Hospice movement, to take dying back out of the hospital where the focus is on preventing death, and put it on a more humane basis. We all die. Let's do it without the violence of extreme measures.

Kubler Ross has been on my mind lately, as it becomes clear that the planet is dying. We all are dying. But so are the polar bears, as a species, the black rhinos, the bees... And when Monsanto kills off what remains of the bees... We are facing the sixth mass extinction of the planet. Unlike the earlier five, this one is on us humans. And evidently we have eighteen months to turn it around.

No, that BBC report was written last month. Make that seventeen months. The rest of the planet is addressing that deadline, while the US is set to spend the last months we have to make a difference locked in our own coming storm. We have one last chance to prevent a white nationalist totalitarian regime. The issues are tied, fascism and climate change, since the regime is doubled down on a nineteenth century energy policy. So, there we have it. We are screwed.

I am seeing those stages play out in social media and every day interactions. How about you?

Denial


I don't mean the old white guys who have a financial interest in denying climate change. I mean the determined optimism of those who still believe in the last minute reprieve. "Science will solve it." Science did solve it, years ago. We ignored them.

Do you think maybe Marvel Comics has tapped into the denial zeitgeist? Our obsession with comic book heroes testifies to our continued expectation that just when the game appears lost, somebody else will save us. Maybe that girl from Norway...



Anger

Ouch - right? You don't have to read the nightly body count. Look no further than your Facebook feed.

Somebody started a thread with Birdcage gifs. Here was my contribution:

What I think I sound like on Facebook:



What I really sound like on Facebook:



Do you have people who pre-irritate you? I do. Before they open their mouths, I already feel irritated. Maybe we have eighteen - no, seventeen months on climate change. But have we already passed the tipping point on anger? Angry at all the angry people around us - how do we reverse that one?

Depression

A quarter of us in the US are on psychotropic meds. That doesn't count all the self-medicators out there. This is the golden day for legal marijuana.


Bargaining


I think this is what the straw fetish is about. We sit in our SUVs at the fast food drive-through, motors running, and berate the poor kid who handed us our beverage with a plastic straw. Like, if we give up our plastic straws, we will dodge the bullet.


Acceptance


In Kubler Ross's original idea, with acceptance comes peace. I don't really see any peace about the death of the planet out there, nor in here. The closest I come is acknowledgement. That's the word I substituted years ago in the Serenity Prayer, when acceptance carried just too much baggage. God, grant me the serenity to acknowledge what I cannot change.

But these predictions of demise are not for the short term. The seventeen month deadline is for the tipping point. After that, carbon levels will be so high there's only one direction to go. The melted polar caps don't freeze up again, (90° in Anchorage on the 4th of July this year), the icebergs disintegrate, releasing more carbon into the atmosphere, raising the temperature more rapidly, causing ocean levels to rise. Salt water is already infiltrating fresh water aquifers, destroying arable farm land and causing water shortages...


What with environmental refugees, starvation, and the inevitable military responses, civilization is finished thirty years from now. Some say twenty. The thing about these predictions, the only mistakes the predictors make is to predict we have more time than turns out to be the case.


Even so, in the face of environmental refugees, starvation, water shortages, and military intervention, twenty years is a long time to stand on one foot, pulling off that serenity thing about a good death.

We need another stage.


David Kessler, Kubler Ross's coauthor on a later book provides one in Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.


I walked into my therapist's office last week after a month's absence and caught her up. "The book is going great. If it weren't for my existential despair, my life would be terrific." This was pure gift to her. My issues are usually cognitive therapy issues. But she says she does existential therapy. "Maybe ultimately there is no meaning. Maybe you have to find your own."


Finding Meaning


Well, there's plenty of that going around. From Trump as the Second Coming to 
Paul Ryan's blatant embrace of Ayn I-don't-owe-anybody-anything Rand (he's a Catholic of all things!), to Spiritual-but-not-Religious, to tattoos, to My Family is Everything and the Only Thing, to...


I just took this photo on a walk which included a sample of CBD tincture (self-medicating) and a swing by my favorite shoe store. They're red! They're mine! What does it matter that my portfolio is predicted to carry me to my end-of-retirement date, when my end-of-retirement date is anticipated to be later than the end-of-civilization date? Life is short, buy shoes.

So I choose a meaning. The family of God. As we all go down the tubes, I want to go down together, loving my neighbor as myself, welcoming the stranger, protecting the widows and children. 
Not the new-fangled heretical Christianity. Give me that old-timed religion, the Biblical Judeo-Christian thing that the Muslims embrace, too. It's not about power. It has stood up to Pharaoh, to Caesar, to Hitler. It will stand up to what comes next.

Sounds nice, but it's not about being nice, is it. For at least two thousand years, choosing a meaning that goes deeper than the embrace of power, choosing to stand with the dispossessed, the meek in the language of Jesus, has given people something to die for. Not kill for. Die for. To pull that off is going to take the energy I have left, and more. It will take a community of people to support such a decision - to be willing to die. I don't know what you call it. In my shop we call it the Body of Christ. It will take the Body of Christ to be the Body of Christ, broken together. Together with our nonChristian sisters and brothers, too.

Damn, this ended up a sermon. Well, here's the bottom line. If we're all going to die, I don't want to be an asshole.



Captain Marvel image from pyramidinternational.com
Birdcage gifs from giphy.com and tenor.com
dove icon in the public domain
flair from Facebook.com
photo of shoes by author

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